Ayal San: "russia is like a terrible stepmother"
Ayal San is a singer and activist from Yakutia. He fought against illegal dumps and recreational hunting. For this, as well as for public statements against xenophobia and discrimination against gender minorities, he was fired from the Yakutia Variety Theatre. Recently he lived in Moscow, and emigrated after the war began. Ayal San discusses racism, the reasons for supporting the war in russia, and the responsibility of those who never chose putin's regime in the new episode of "Eyewitnesses of February 24".
Tell us about yourself
My name is Ayal. I am a psychologist by my first education, and a vocalist by my second. I am a singer, a music writer, a vocal teacher, a vocal coach, an eco-activist, you could say, an LGBT person. Now I am also actively trying to protect the rights of LGBT people.
What are your first thoughts and feelings on February 24th?
I remember that I hardly slept at all that night. I remember that I fell asleep somewhere around two in the morning, and by four it was already clear that the war had begun. By six in the morning I had already packed all my things. I thought that this was the most terrible thing that could happen. I assumed that this would happen, but when I encountered it in reality, it turned out to be much more terrible. Because I did not know how to react to it, and how to live on. All plans are destroyed, naturally, and you understand that you can't do anything about it. Although you told everyone in advance that this is where it was all heading. It was very scary.
What did you do in the first weeks and months after the war began?
The first week was just terrible apathy. I wanted to leave, but I understood that it was impossible to give up everything right now. Although, I wanted to leave much earlier. I have relatives, I have things that are valuable to me. You can't just up and leave, because you have projects, friends. And stupidly, you just don't have any extra money. Because you understand that prices have skyrocketed. And you understand that if you leave now, you will literally have enough for travel and a week of living. And you understand that you need to try to live in these terrible conditions. I told myself in the morning, woke up and said: "Ayal, let's try to squeeze everything possible out of this situation now, so that we can finally move out of this evil country."
It is impossible to even think adequately, because you understand that what happened is what you have been fighting against all your life. My whole being is against wars and murders. And now my country is attacking its neighbour, its friend. And you understand that people are dying. And you can't do anything about it. I went into a deep depression. I couldn't do anything for two months. Against this background, I started having health problems. You start trying to do something, to pretend, as they say, to live, but it doesn't work.
Have you participated in the protests in russia?
At the very beginning, when the law against LGBT was passed in 2013, then in 2014, when the little green men voluntarily annexed Crimea. But there were organized protests, at that time it was, in my opinion, physically safe. It was very important for me to feel physically safe. And I saw that it was very ineffective, unfortunately. That is, what we wanted to do, unfortunately, was not heard. On the contrary, we received more resistance.
And I chose the path that was convenient for me. I started talking to my family, friends and acquaintances, to my entire circle about Crimea. That I shouldn't go there, that a terrible thing had actually happened. And we would pay a very, very high price for it. Many told me that I was a negative person, that how could I not be happy about it. But I understand that when russia went to Syria, by the way, with its military operation. I also said that people were dying there for some truth. But we don't know. What they tell us on TV is not true in fact. We don't know the real truth. Because getting into a foreign country... For me, Syria was already a wake-up call, when the culture was completely different, completely. That is, they weren't even close there. And for some reason we decided to interfere there. And you can't do anything. Because you never voted for it anyway, because you were always against it. And your voice just fades away.
Why did you leave russia?
I never chose russia. If I had a choice before I was born, I would never have chosen it. Because it was always a foreign country for me. Why? Because I was a stranger in my own country. A stranger because I don't look russian. A stranger because I'm not so masculine. When I walk around my own capital, at best I'm perceived as a tourist, at worst I'll be called a chump and maybe something will fly in, ice cream, for example, I don't know.
When you live constantly with the feeling that you are a stranger, the desire to leave this country does not even arise, it is always present by default.
These things that I owe russia something! First of all, I don't owe anything, because I didn't sign up for anything. I didn't sign up for the fact that I was choosing the Constitution, that I was choosing this president. Absolutely nothing. It's just that, excuse me, they slapped this russian citizenship on me, and do I need it? I'd rather live without citizenship at all, to be honest, than have this citizenship. You know, when people sometimes came up to me on the street and said, "They've come here in droves," I always said, "I have a russian passport, which they basically foisted on me. And I want you to take it away and tear it up." "Migrant," "newcomer," "Slavic appearance." Find the ads "Apartment for rent in Moscow." They will all say "for people of Slavic appearance." But this is in my own country. I specifically called these people, I specifically talked on the phone. I don't drink, I don't smoke. I generally behave perfectly quietly. I don't bring anyone and so on. Can I rent? Of course. Come, come. But I don't want to. Because you wrote a racist, very scary, very inhuman requirement for appearance.
Now they have divided people into LGBT. Propaganda and so on. This is even more terrible. This is where it all starts. If the rights of LGBT are infringed, then the rights of the whole society will be infringed, one hundred percent. This is one hundred percent. Therefore, by the rights of LGBT, one can judge freedom of speech, freedom of a person.
Why do so many people in russia support the war?
I think that people who are not very conscious, who live in fear, who have lost their will, they are not even able to understand what is "A" and what is "B". Dogs and cats know their names, they know where to eat, they know their mistress, their master, their home. The same with people. As Leo Tolstoy said, these are by no means my inventions, but Leo Tolstoy said that not everyone reaches awareness. I think the same with people. That is, it seems like we all know our names, it seems like we know our profession. But when you start asking: "Why is it like that? Why is it like that?" people start communicating with template phrases that they heard on Channel One or Channel Two. And then, when you dig even deeper, I am a psychologist, so I like to dig, they start speaking in proverbs, some kind of catchphrases. That is, they don't have their own thoughts. There are only templates. And at that moment you understand that you need to pour in, pour in knowledge, pour in critical thinking. It is not easy to learn to perceive something critically. First of all, you need to read a lot. You need to work.
What can those who are against the war do to resist the regime?
In order to resist, in a global sense, these things - murders, violence, wars, I think you have to be a very kind person. Right from the inside. Not pretend to be, let's say, a kind person, well-mannered. No, you have to be aware and communicate. Not stigmatize people.
Have your relationships with loved ones changed since February 24?
Of course they have changed, because no matter how sad it is, it is impossible to reach people. That is, although you always talk about it, communicate, but now there is minimal contact, just minimal. I practically do not communicate with those people who somehow support this inhuman, terrible attack on another person. You know what I do not understand? Let's say there is a house, 300 people live there, and someone killed someone. They call the police. They will immediately catch or eliminate this killer. That is, operational and investigative activities will immediately begin on the spot. And why can't the whole world stop one person who kills not one person, but thousands of people. And the worst is yet to come. When all this is over, those people who killed, they will come with a broken psyche, with injuries. No one will need them, no one. As a psychologist, I say that psychologists should simply dedicate their entire lives to saving these people, those who are still adequate, loving, peace-loving. I want psychologists to give their best in their profession.
Will you return to russia if putin's regime falls?
To hear "stranger, migrant, churk" again? You know, I don't want to. If people change to a greater extent, then yes. But those people who moved, they behave differently, they experience the world differently. They don't perceive the world through the prism of nation, ethnicity, race, and so on. They are already free people, they are already.
I didn't want to go back.
Are all russians collectively responsible for the crimes committed by russian troops in Ukraine?
I thought about this question for a very long time and I still think about it, I guess. After all, there is a concept of collective responsibility, but in relation to, say, people who have never been in this culture, say, including me, taking on the responsibility of a country that has never been your home, you know, like a terrible stepmother. You want to leave, but you can't. And I don't want to take responsibility for a country, especially one captured by people who steal, rob, kill, do whatever they want, and act outrageously in an absolutely savage manner. I think that looking at people through their passports is the most savage nonsense. I will always fight this. I will always say that no one - neither russian, nor Buryat, nor Yakut - chooses the country of birth. And in this regard, you need to be able to look people in the eyes, specific individuals. I think that this responsibility hangs over you anyway. And so, when you are somehow connected, you still do what you think is right. And then to bully for it... That is, you help, you donate, you volunteer, and so on, and then someone meets you on the street and says: "It turns out you're russian! You have a russian passport! Take that! Get out of here!" I think this is absolutely from the same opera, this is a manifestation of Nazism and fascism. It's impossible, the world has changed. We don't choose either gender, we don't choose either country or culture. This should not be a reason for discrimination. You can't divide people territorially - you were born here and you have to eat this porridge here, and then go and fight with a weapon. But why? Why should I kill a person I don't know? With whom I could probably become friends if I met him in different circumstances. Why should I shoot? Especially go into his house and take something away. This is simply unthinkable for me. If this is the norm for someone, then it's time for us to draw conclusions. We're going in the wrong direction.
What awaits russia?
This country has no future. I really, really, really hope that it will fall apart sooner. And kindness and peace will win after all.